when love wavered
We were college sweethearts. Really, really in love with each other. Really devoted to God together. We went to church, did ministry together, and pledged at our campus Christian sorority/fraternity. Throughout our dating life, we tried our best to follow God in all things. And when we married, my groom took my hand and led me to a pew in the empty church, praying over our future together. This was in January 2000.
Fourteen years later, four kids later, something changed for him. He just didn't believe anymore. Lots of stuff led to his decision (maybe I'll blog more on this later). His quest for life's meaning post-Christian sent me into a spiral. Sent my love wavering. The very foundation upon which our marriage was built did not exist in his mind anymore.
We fought, we cried, we sought wise counsel. While he was throwing out everything, I fiercely held on to God amidst all the arguments for atheism. I remember crying out in prayer, "Even if I get to the edge of belief, I trust You won't let me go too far."
And He didn't. Actually, I discovered my own idols that needed to come down too. And, I discovered God's greatest calling in my life:
It wasn't easy. It took a lot of seeking, leaning into friends and mentors, and reconstructing my own faith. I came to realize that just because my husband and I had built our foundation on Love in Christ, and one of us turned away, didn't mean the roots weren't there anymore.
It was just up to me to keep holding on for the both of us--for now.
Six years later, I pray, I take my kids to church, I am a Christian author, and I am even on a church staff. He supports me in all I do, and I learned how to live in the tension of knowing what once was, what isn't now, and hoping for what might be in the future.
We are in love. Like, more in love than ever. And I truly believe God when He says He is Love. That's how this marriage works in Him. Even if I am the only one that gives Him the credit. ;)