Updated: Mar 29
I have been caught in the recent tradition that I go to church to see what God has for me.
The way I would gauge His movement was by the effectiveness of the speaker, the coincidental topics or words that had resonated with me the week before, and, in all honestly, by the way I would ”feel” during the worship and message.
First, hear me clearly—God CAN reveal Himself in all those things. And He has, for me.
But, I guess what I am beginning to realize, is that my posture—even my motive—for attending church may have morphed into a pastor-focus, a message-focus, a Me focus....with a little God up there to watch the magic happen.
It has been a long time since I have gone to church to draw near to God without depending on the wise words of a pastor, the just-right worship music, the goosebumps on my arms telling me that God is working. Maybe it’s the culture finally shaping me into a consumer of God’s wisdom and blessing. Maybe it’s because of my stubborn pride of thinking I need to know every answer in theology, I need the Church to follow specific ways and interpretations—I need, I need, I need...It’s FOR ME, and only by my own intellect can I decipher what is right for me as long as I give God the fist bump as I go.
Yet, in the most obvious sense of the Idea of God, how can my mind truly guide my theology? How can I be so pompous to think that another human being’s babbling about God, how a perfectly planned service, how an interpretation, how a worship song played in the right key, with the right words—how any modern day church experience can draw me close to God IF my number one motive is “Me”?
Recently, I had an experience that centered only on God, by a few faithful folks leading in that centering. There was nothing said that gave ME a pat on the back or permission to take the Word and squeeze it to fit into my lens. All that was said was a Holy outcry for the God of the universe to accept our humble offering of worship.
All that was said was the Truth about Who God is as far as we know. There was no application of how to fit God into our world...only that we were humbly present to revere the out-of-this-world Creator.
Sometimes I think I have taken for granted the sacredness that my life lacks. Lately, I have realized I feel so dried up because all the knowing and depending on my human mind has blown a hot skeptic breath on something I am not really supposed to explain away.
And right now, I think I see clearly the very dichotomy of my spiritual walk...and for years...I have been choosing the side that fits “Me”.
But, the God of the constellations, of the mountains and valleys, of the sparrow and the lion...that GOD is worthy of praise. And I fear that my choosing to focus on “Me” in His journey, has blinded me to the truest most pure purpose altogether—Him.