Disillusioned


I feel duped.


I bumped into old doctrine today that made me pause.


How can I reconcile the theology I am learning with what I once knew? Does the new stuff make sense without the old stuff?


Actually, the new stuff surpasses the old stuff in such a way that God seems even more real to me in this moment.


I am sitting here, disillusioned by years of forcing myself to believe doctrine that my heart could never fully accept—although I would have never admitted it then. I would have just brushed it off as my incompetence to understand. But I know someone who didn’t just brush it off. I fought with someone, day in and day out, in the name of stuff I didn’t understand. And he ended up turning away when the doctrine got too plastic. He had enough and let go.


Yet, I squeezed through the worm hole and kept a hold of God’s hand. I could have let go like my husband. I could have assumed that’s all God was—an easy explanation wrapped up in flawed doctrine, and I didn’t need Him anymore.


But the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit are too precious to my very identity to stop this walk mid-life.


I must pray pray pray for the God of the Universe to guard my heart from bitterness in my present walk while I sit in disillusionment of my past one.


And I pray that all I am learning will one day intrigue my husband to try to believe again.


One day.


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