I will be the first to say, choosing love was not my gut instinct when he said, "I don't believe anymore." My heart lurched in fear, my well-crafted Christian home spun a thousand spins, and Mama Bear came out, fierce and demanding---what could this possibly mean for my young children's growing up days?
If ever there was a time in my life that the answer to fight or flight was a resounding YES, it was then. That February of 2014 was my valley descent. That moment whirring about and scattering all my best-laid plans would change my life...forever.
Over these next weeks of this new space, Love Unwavering, I hope to share a bit of my heart and story with you. In this very first post, I'll share the basics of what I learned, what I am learning, and how I have stepped forward and upward after sitting in that valley for a good long while.
In those first days of "our" faith crisis (and you will come to find that my husband's crisis became my own...in a much need way), my gut instinct fed me lies.
After all, we often heard, and tried to fully live out, being "equally-yoked" is the basis of good dating, good courtship, good marriage. One lie I began to question as our focus fell from Christ-centeredness to a marriage gasping for air, was if I didn't do my best to change him, and if he never changed, was I a lesser Christian because of it? My foggy mind and broken heart told me that choosing to love this unbeliever might declare me as:
lukewarm, giving up, settling, faithless
When I found myself at the very end...of myself, I pretty much grasped on to the first inkling of escape, flawed as it might be. Even if it simply wasn't true. I was trying to get past a giant wall that I kept banging my heart against. Up and out. Just wanting to get away from the pain. But thankfully, at that very end of myself, God showed up again and again.
Let me fast forward a bit, through the many next steps and backward steps and all the learning and healing. Because if there is one thing that is foundational in my next steps then and now, it's changing what it means to choose love.
Choosing love is not a cop-out or settling for less than what God has for me or my family. It's not choosing a lukewarm life at all. Choosing love is:
passionate, victorious, kind, selfless
Choosing love is not easy. It's not natural for me, if I am imperfectly honest. Choosing love is the most difficult of callings. But even so, choosing love is also the most satisfying. It's what Christ did for us, isn't it?
If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that grace abounds first and most, no matter if you are in the thick of fighting or hiding from the hurt. There is nothing more or less than you can do if you lean into your Savior. That is a start. That is the only thing, really. Because He will meet you there. He chose you, friend. And that is the greatest love of all.
I hope you continue to meet me here. You are not alone.